Sunday, June 12, 2011

The hardest part

I'm back in school for the summer, and will continue to be through at least next summer. It's hard, working around schedules and switching off the kids here and there. The days are tough, mornings are hard on everybody, meals are tense. We're behind in a lot of ways, we're dysfunctional in even more. This is unquestionably the hardest thing I have ever, ever done (despite what the emo high school version of me would tell you).

Hubby's putting the kids to bed right now so I can work on my developmental psychology homework that's due tonight. Our local cable and internet provider has spent the day down, so this is the only chance I'm going to get. I have to put on headphones and music so I can't hear him reading and singing to them - but too late. I heard it. I heard him going through our entire bedtime routine without me, alone. And god, it hurts so much, to the point of tears, to know that this is going to become a regular thing. That my kids are going to be shuffled around, going to have things be so messed up sometimes because of me.

Because I'm trying to make things better, one way or the other.

But is it worth it? The sane, logical side of me says that my kids aren't going to care if once or twice a week only Mommy or only Daddy puts them to bed. They'll get it, they understand - things are changing and they're sweet, amazingly smart boys. They have been so tolerant. The mom in me wants to scream. I just want to be there for my kids and to be helping them through their days, through their lives, and the idea that I can't - that I won't - that I'll be working full time and missing so much - it kills me. And yet somehow I want to think that I can make up for not being here by making sure they have what they want, what they NEED. A home, food, shelter, things to do and play with and read, clothes, the ability to have something special sometimes, to go places and do things.

I feel like such a horrible mother right now, and I have to turn the music up louder - because maybe if it's louder to me, they won't hear me cry.

Please, please, let all of this be worth it. I'm begging you.

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