Thursday, May 26, 2011

Admitting it hurt

I spent a long time trying to come to terms with the birth of my second child. My first labor and delivery was pretty much a disaster, but I was willing to chalk that up to ignorance and a lack of faith. But my second? I had a doula, I had support, I was educated. I felt I had no excuse for being dissatisfied, even hurt by the outcome. Who was I to say that things should have gone differently when I supposedly had all the support I needed?

The problem is that I still wasn't happy with how things went. So was it okay for me to admit that, despite doing what I thought was my best? Was it okay to admit that the doula I adored - the only one in my area - hadn't fulfilled her end of the bargain? Did I have a right to be upset at my OB, the hospital and nurses? Or was all my anger in my head?

The anger I originally felt was immediate, but it took me two years to come to the conclusion that I really did have a right to feel that way. There was a lot of self-guilting along the way, soul searching, and doubting. But yes, it is okay to be upset about how your birth went, to be angry. "At least you have a healthy baby" doesn't have to be the end all, be all.
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