On the Matter of "My Parents ___________ and I Turned Out Fine"

I hate that phrase. I hate it because it insinuates that whatever we learn about life, parenting, or existence is irrelevant, somehow invalidated by the fact that our parents or relatives did things differently while we were growing up, and since we were fortunate enough to not suffer any ill effects that we're aware of, the way things were done for us must be good enough. The logical fallacies here are insane, and to me painfully obvious, but many parents may as well be wearing blinders to this topic.

So why doesn't anybody seem to understand why this reasoning is faulty? Let's consider a few things that often seem to factor into a person's usage of this defense.

First, people typically hate implying that somehow their parents raised them in a sub par way, or that their parents - despite not knowing any differently - were taking a potentially life-threatening risk while raising them. And I understand that need to believe, because most of the time, to a point, the reasoning is true: our parents did the best they could, and usually they didn't have the information or access to information that we have. Their choices were informed to a fault. Today, though, we're lucky enough to have the ability to research almost any choice or option, and there is no end of accessible opinions, either online or in books. So where do we draw the line and decide what is a choice made out of ignorance, and what is a choice made of WILLFUL ignorance?

For me, the line is drawn right here, right now. There is no excuse anymore, no excuse for not knowing or wondering - no excuse for accepting tradition. And why should we, when tradition means cutting off parts of our sons, or allowing doctors who are notorious for not disclosing all of the necessary information to make a truly informed decision as to our medical care inject us with harmful substances, then lie about or neglect to mention their potential effects on ourselves and our children? Why should we allow tradition to be the early forced evacuation from the womb of babies who otherwise have no medical need to be born early? Why should we risk the lives of children, of mothers, of families everywhere by ignoring the blatant, obvious benefits of breastfeeding and breastmilk, benefits that have been proven time and time again through numerous studies, while we tout formula as being somehow equal, if not better? Why do we do all of these things?

Because it's easy. Because the idea that somehow our parents might have made mistakes is beyond us; because we want to imagine we were given the BEST, instead of labeling it as what it truly is: the best that was POSSIBLE. That does not make it the best of all circumstances, or the absolute best option regardless of other choices that could have been made. It is almost legitimate to say that the parents of a boy circumcised  in 1978 made that decision because at the time it was simply something that wasn't discussed in any circle, medical or otherwise, it was just an accepted truth; today, only 55-65% of newborn boys are circumcised for secular reasons, and it's figured that this number is dropping sharply every month. The difference, of course, is that now people are openly discussing circumcision and its harmful side effects; men who were circumcised as children are willingly coming out and explaining the pain and trauma they've experienced throughout their lives thanks to a choice made by someone who assumed control over their body. Mothers are being ASKED if they wish to circumcise their sons; while this is far from perfect, it's better than the previous assumption that it would be done. There are forums discussing it, websites and books and magazines and organizations dedicated to the idea that the ability to circumcise should be the choice of an informed adult, and not a choice made for a helpless newborn.

The idea of bodily autonomy is becoming mainstream, and is edging its way into becoming a legitimate, accepted topic of conversation among parents and medical professionals.

So is the fact that circumcision used to be so common that it was often performed without permission or informed consent a reason to continue to do it? Is the fact that a majority of the adult (18+) male population of the United States circumcised (likely at birth), completely unaware of what they lost through circumcision, and thus willing to speak out and say that somehow circumcision at birth is "okay", a good reason to continue to advocate for it?

Of course not. What worked for our parents - our grandparents - our ancestors ten or twenty times removed - is not necessarily the best choice for us. It is no reason to accept that the previous generation's "normal" should be the "normal" that our children grow up with; no reason to willingly blind ourselves to the truth because we don't want to consider the idea that maybe, just maybe, the choices of our parents were not the BEST choice. Best POSSIBLE is no excuse for us now, in the information age; if we are able to provide the BEST, it is our duty as parents, as mothers, as fathers, as caretakers, as those who have given birth and witnessed birth, as those who assist and those who deliver, to make sure that if we are CAPABLE of providing the BEST that we do so - and that we ask every possible question along the way.

Pagan values month - an outro

Well, June is almost over, and that means that Pagan Values Month is nearly at an end as well. Of course, this doesn't mean that we're all going to go crazy on you, but I think it does unfortunately imply that a lot of people are going to start glossing over the similarities of our collective values and morals again. I think that PVM has made a huge impact on the outer world, and has helped us gather ourselves together to show that while we all believe something slightly (or incredibly) different, in the end we all feel that there are many supposedly Christian-only moral issues that we established on our own, without the influence of any other religion (or maybe any religion at all).

The fact of the matter is, we're human. Intrinsically, we want to follow certain rules. We're hardwired to make our species continue, which means that we're meant to feel bad when we kill. That death was the end of another human life. 99.9% of the human race doesn't need any deity or religious path to realize as much. We are simply meant to feel bad or guilty about some things - and while some may argue it's the voice of the Christian god speaking up to show us right from wrong, let's face it, it's our conscious and it's an important part of ourselves and who we are. People of all religions have one, it's a uniquely human trait, and that's something we should take pride in.

So what have I personally learned from PVM? A lot of things. I've learned that I will never stop learning about this path, that what I think is perfect and right one day might be completely off kilter for me the next. I've learned that many Pagans from all walks of life and chosen paths feel differently about a number of issues, but that at our cores we all have a similar respect for life and property that is not unique to only members of other more "mainstream" religions. I have learned that there are just as many of our ilk who are able to be hateful and spout some horrific things as there are Christians who do the same, and that there are a number of kind, open-armed Christians who truly do respect their Pagan kin. I've learned that the bad always finds a way to speak more loudly than the good, but that if you're willing to look deep enough, the good shines so brightly you'll wonder how on earth you missed it. I've learned that I have a direction to walk, but that the path isn't very defined, and that learning to recognize how this path looks to me is something that only I can do, but that I can also ask for help and direction along the way without needing to feel as though I'm asking someone else to tell me what I believe.

I've learned that being Pagan means being myself, which is probably the best thing of all.

Tomorrow, a special announcement and a challenge - think you're up for it?

Something happening

There's something happening at my house right now, something I never really thought would be an issue, something I didn't expect to see, something I don't approve of but don't feel I can speak about aloud.

I have a friend over, someone I wasn't too sure about in high school but has become a close friend and like a sister recently, especially since she had her first child. And I was understanding - maybe too much so - when she misused her carseat in ways that were downright dangerous and deadly (twisted strap, too loose, mispositioned shoulders, chest clip at the belly button), rarely held her child, used disposable diapers and claimed that breastfeeding was "not for her" because it was disgusting. I let that all go. I tried my best to ignore the fact that she had no interest whatsoever in putting her child in a sling or carrier for ease of access, even attempted to let go the fact that she uses CIO methods to sleep train. I tried to let go a LOT of that, because other than the carseat issues, the rest are parenting choices - ones I don't agree with, ones I think are downright abusive in my opinion, but it's nothing more than my opinion. She's a close friend who is strongly opinionated and who claims to back up her opinions with things that I wouldn't necessarily call "research", but it's all kosher to her. So I let it go.

Then she put her six month old daughter in her high chair, here at my house, tipped it back, propped up the tray, and positioned her bottle atop the tray so the baby - who cannot yet hold her own bottle, yet is having sippy cups forced on her that she also cannot hold - could "self-feed" and my friend could do whatever she pleased.

And for some reason that REALLY pissed me off.

So in lieu of yelling inappropriately at said friend because my moods are rather unstable right now anyway, I'm venting here. But seriously? If your kids are so much of an inconvenience that while you're at someone else's house hanging out and you STILL can't be bothered to pay enough attention to them to feed them... Maybe you ought to reconsider having and keeping your kids.

Pagan values month - an intro

As pretty much everybody in the blogosphere knows by now, June is Pagan Values Month, a wonderful opportunity for those of us who live an "alternative" lifestyle to share our reasonings and purposes behind what we believe, and to show the world that despite using a very wide-open word to describe a lot of people, and despite not having ten commandments or a single book to guide us, we all share similar values. I have to say, I'm pretty much in love with the concept, especially since I'm fairly new to this road.

Okay, that's a lie. I'm not NEW to it, but the first time I traveled this path I did so as a follower, as someone who was simply desperate to find something that fit her - but I was 13. My experience with organized religion in general was still somewhat negative, and when my best friend at the time turned from Christianity (she was ironically the same person who got me going to the church we both attended in the first place) and proclaimed herself Wiccan, I was eager to follow suit. It helped that I already felt a draw to nature; my boyfriend at the time (now Hubby, yikes) jokingly called me a druid and was positive I could speak to animals and influence the wind and fire. The whole experience led to a massive amount of spiritual and religious confusion that ended with me avoiding church and basically anything involving organized religion for many years, and only recently have I found a new awakening drawing me back into spiritual concerns.

So here I stand. I was baptized shortly after birth in a Catholic church as a Lutheran, was baptized again as a Christian in 8th grade, rescinded that and proclaimed myself Wiccan about a year later, then spent 11 years as a self-proclaimed confused agnostic. My experiences are hardly unique, and I'm learning more and more that a good portion of the pagan community got to where they are today through experiences with other, more "mainstream" religions. They realized they were dissatisfied, confused, disappointed, or that what they had known all along simply didn't satisfy what they looked for in a religious experience and allowed their spirit to be called in another direction, and found themselves staring down the throat of something still all-too-commonly seen as evil or negative. It's something a huge portion of the world experiences at some point in their lives, and more often than not the only thing that changes is the end result.

I was discontent with Christianity. Mind you, I didn't have an issue with a good deal of the values and thoughts behind them, but the idea that if I even once messed up that I risked eternal damnation - or, almost worse, that when I screwed up all I had to do was apologize to a deity and it was as if nothing had ever happened? - was intimidating. The god I saw in my head was forgiving, had a sense of humor, and had more respect for his creations. In my mind, Jesus wasn't an actual savior, but a very smart man who had some incredibly intelligent, wise things to say and who had a way with words. I didn't see him as the earthly embodiment of a creator. And most of all, I hated the idea that certain portions of the Bible - a book I had by that point accepted as being written entirely by mankind - were enforceable and that it was my moral duty to follow them, yet other things that had once been just as important (if not moreso) were easily ignored and swept aside. I hated how people used a book they turned toward for answers to spread hatred and intolerance. I hated the idea that somehow being gay was wrong or bad, that in one breath people insisted on loving oneself and thy neighbor but in the next breath they hemmed and hawed about how doing this or that would send you straight to hell. It was a lot to take in, and it was irritating and it rubbed me the wrong way. I couldn't come to terms with what I had learned and what I had heard, couldn't fathom how so many contradictory statements could be made when the well beings of people were at stake.

But would turning from Christianity mean giving up all sense of morality and leave me a valueless (pardon the use of the word) heathen?

Of course not!

I am of the belief that people don't need a religion to tell them what to do; there is an inherent sense of morality in all of us that the tenets of the Bible were based off of. Feeling guilty about doing something wrong, trying not to be jealous about what others have that we don't - things like this are inherent for the majority of people. Sure, there are some who are on the outside of the realm of "morality", those who don't experience the same sensations of guilt for doing wrong, or who don't have the comprehension of right and wrong to avoid it in the first place. But those people are surprisingly few and far between. It turns out that there's a good portion of humanity that doesn't need a special book or tenets issued by a deity to do the right thing! What a concept!

That being said, I think a lot of people have a desire and need to integrate their sense of morality and values into their religion regardless of what's already provided. I'm a part of that; I believe that stealing and lying and cheating and murder are wrong, and while I don't believe that I'll be punished in the afterlife for them, I do believe that what happens in the next round and what I experience in the afterlife will be affected by what I do here and now. I think there are some things that are okay, others that aren't - but as a rule I do believe that fate and karma favor those who act out of kindness and sincerity, who have the best interests of others in mind, but who can still live for themselves and achieve their goals.

So this week I'm going to try to go into what I believe, and why, and why I think it's important for people to understand that I can be pagan and still share these values.