Failing at discipline

There are some aspects of parenthood that, despite having two children, I still haven't gotten the hang of. One of those things is discipline - whether or not to use it, when to use it, what to use, what to not fight, how to say and do what I end up choosing. Today I have a lot of questions going through my head as I battle my "spirited" (he is my payback for being a terror for my mother, I'm sure) four year old to get him to pick up his toys and do the few, easy things I ask him to do.

should I avoid discipline all together? Tempting, because it seems like the most friendly and AP method of raising a child. I don't WANT to yell, or feel like I'm getting angry or have reached the end of my rope. I don't like being frustrated, having to constantly count up or down to certain numbers, having to make EVERYTHING into a game that still ends with him complaining about being tired (he isn't) or getting completely distracted by playing with the same toys I've repeatedly asked him to put away. Should I have to make picking up into a game every time, without fail? Can't I simply make a request and have it fulfilled? Having my preschooler help me around the house when it's just the three of us is huge, it makes life so much easier to know that while I can't ask him for help with everything, I can give him simple directions ("Please pick up all of the shoes and put them back in the corner," or "Please pick up your toys and put them back in the boxes in the back room") and have him listen.

But he doesn't.

Should I agree and play along every time he insists on being a Pokémon or some other character while cleaning up, or should I insist that while he is cleaning up it isn't time to play pretend and he needs to be himself? The problem here, of course, is that pretending to be a character is effective in coercing him to pick up for all of two minutes, after which he again loses interest.

But this brings up a slew of other related problems - like his distinct inability to listen. Mind you, when it's my two year old I'm far more understanding; he's still learning rules and limits, and wants to test them to see how far he can push us. But G? He knows better - or damn it, he should at least, right? - so to me it becomes a neverending struggle when he continues to do something when I've asked him not to - or refuses to do something I've requested he does. For example, not a minute ago he was putting his feet on me, something I really don't like. I said, "G, please don't put your feet on me. It hurts because you kick me every time, and I don't think it's polite." So he stops. Half a minute later, he's doing it again, feet all over me and kicking me again, now on purpose.

We've done everything, including the detested spanking. Time out is irrelevant, no matter how long they stay there, spanking doesn't do anything but upset them, and yelling may as well be the same as politely requesting with an explanation for all the good it does (read: none whatsoever). I can't help but wonder if some of his issues come from his intelligence. Yes, there is a possibility that I'm just like any other parent, extolling the virtues and talents of my kids, presuming they're the smartest, but really, G is pretty darn smart. He's sounding out words and relating what he sounds out to words he already knows, and is able to "read" short books if given time and patience. He has a distinct understanding of a lot of concepts that seem to throw off kids his age, and has learned to add and subtract and do simple word problems aloud. He can count to almost any given number, assuming it's still low enough to keep his attention long enough to make it there, and is from a developmental standpoint so on-par that I'm actually concerned he won't make it into preschool after his screening this summer because educationally-speaking, he doesn't have anything to work on (it's the learning to listen and the socialization I'm concerned about). Maybe I'm tooting my kid's horn. Maybe I'm wrong. But I've looked up developmental guides and milestones, and from what I can tell he's closer to six or seven than four when it comes to his abilities.

G is smart.

So why doesn't he listen?

I'm truly at a loss trying to explain his behavior; it could be that he's also testing boundaries, and I'm the one failing on that end, or that he seriously does have an attention span so short that putting away toys without being consistently reminded of his goal and progress is impossible; he can't function for longer than that alone.

The issue with being a discipline-free household - one where we don't yell or demand, one where our children respect us just as much as we respect them - is that I have yet to have the alternative method explained fully to me. Do I ignore bad behavior, even when it's painful or potentially harmful, and only reward or praise good behavior? This doesn't seem plausible, especially when it's my two year old reacting through hitting, kicking, biting, pinching, or some other destructive behavior. How do I react when G politely asks to be excused from the table, but A, who has recently been moved from a high chair to a normal chair at the table, constantly gets down and sprints off? Do I assume that he is done, even when he's hungry again ten minutes later? How do I convince G that helping me pick up - even when A is doing the opposite to see if I'll react - is important and helpful?

What on earth do I do that will help my children and I respect one another enough that we can function as a group instead of as a bunch of argumentative individuals?

The hardest part

I'm back in school for the summer, and will continue to be through at least next summer. It's hard, working around schedules and switching off the kids here and there. The days are tough, mornings are hard on everybody, meals are tense. We're behind in a lot of ways, we're dysfunctional in even more. This is unquestionably the hardest thing I have ever, ever done (despite what the emo high school version of me would tell you).

Hubby's putting the kids to bed right now so I can work on my developmental psychology homework that's due tonight. Our local cable and internet provider has spent the day down, so this is the only chance I'm going to get. I have to put on headphones and music so I can't hear him reading and singing to them - but too late. I heard it. I heard him going through our entire bedtime routine without me, alone. And god, it hurts so much, to the point of tears, to know that this is going to become a regular thing. That my kids are going to be shuffled around, going to have things be so messed up sometimes because of me.

Because I'm trying to make things better, one way or the other.

But is it worth it? The sane, logical side of me says that my kids aren't going to care if once or twice a week only Mommy or only Daddy puts them to bed. They'll get it, they understand - things are changing and they're sweet, amazingly smart boys. They have been so tolerant. The mom in me wants to scream. I just want to be there for my kids and to be helping them through their days, through their lives, and the idea that I can't - that I won't - that I'll be working full time and missing so much - it kills me. And yet somehow I want to think that I can make up for not being here by making sure they have what they want, what they NEED. A home, food, shelter, things to do and play with and read, clothes, the ability to have something special sometimes, to go places and do things.

I feel like such a horrible mother right now, and I have to turn the music up louder - because maybe if it's louder to me, they won't hear me cry.

Please, please, let all of this be worth it. I'm begging you.

Bullying

This is a topic near and dear to my heart. As an overweight woman who has been big her entire life - as someone who is making an active and conscious attempt to lose weight, despite the difficulties - I've heard the nasty comments and bad words. I've often worried that my children will someday come into contact with cruelty from other children, especially since (for the time being) we plan to utilize the public school system. And of course, it's a possibility. Children can say some pretty mean things, and sometimes they don't think about the immediate repercussions (like a classmate's reaction, or a friend's feelings) before speaking. Sometimes it's an innocent slip or a thoughtless gaffe; more often than not, anymore, it's conscious meanness meant to demean the feelings, thoughts, abilities, looks, or beliefs of another person.

It's easy enough to pass along Biblical proverbs to children whose families adhere to those religions, easy enough to quote religious texts of any kind - but what does a pagan parent say to their kids without trying to give a separate lesson on religion to a young child who may be experiencing bullying (or worse, may be the bully). What am I to do when I can't quote Christ or a disciple easily because my children haven't grown up in that lifestyle, and aren't familiar with the people and characters and stories I know from my experiences?

I know that first of all, there's common sense. While there are a number of religions that have done their best to claim the Golden Rule, Christianity among them, I believe it's a rule that has been around much longer. From the days of bartering for goods, people have understood that in order to get what's best for them, they have to be willing to sacrifice a bit for others - which means being willing and ready to treat others as they'd like to be treated. A family might give up a cow for less produce than it is worth, with the understanding that because they were kind, next time the produce farmer might give a bit more for a little less milk or meat than usual. It's an understood part of life, in my opinion, but a concept that's hard to explain to a young child who isn't having that same treatment returned to them. It's easy to say, but I know from experience it isn't so easy to DO, especially if physical violence becomes a part of it (at which point I intend to raise my children the same way I was raised: you may NEVER throw the first punch, and you are expected to find alternate routes to end the confrontation, but if you seriously feel you have no other option but to fight back, do so minimally to escape).

So now I'm looking for common sense, kid-friendly ways to explain how to deter bullies. I'm new at this parenting thing still, and I don't expect to encounter this for another few years yet, but I want to have an idea of what to do and how to say it when the time comes. Any pagan parents out there have any recommendations, books, things they've said/done that helped their kids that they want to share?