On A Loss

Storm chaser, volunteer, web site contributor, enthusiast, informant to the National Weather Service, friend, and father to a three year old daughter.

Killed in Oklahoma 02/04/2012 returning from a late-week chase in Texas. Someone was driving the wrong way down an interstate and killed him; the one going the wrong way was also killed and several others were injured.

On What The Hell

Although I know I do specifically have a few close friends who are generally people I would consider to be "mildly intolerant", I more or less like to think of the people I try to surround myself and my family with as rather open minded individuals who are not hateful or who, at the very least, understand and accept that the lifestyle choices of others may not coincide with their personal beliefs, but that doesn't make them wrong.

Unfortunately I'm sometimes wrong, and when I am it seems like I'm wrong in the most horrific way.

I'd like to put a big disclaimer on the front of this because this post is going to involve religion on a pretty heavy scale, and I don't want anybody to think I'm walking around spewing my own degree of intolerance because it's more convenient or because it's somehow okay when it's me and not someone else. So let it be said that while I typically tend to dislike some of the more vocal adherents of certain religions, I DON'T dislike the religions themselves. I realize that there are negative representations of every religious circle or belief system, and that those who unfortunately choose to be the most hateful tend to give the remainder of the believers a pretty bad name. Even the most demanding religious people I know still very specifically will not go out of their way to purposefully discriminate against people that believe differently from them (for example, I'm darn good friends with a beautiful, wonderful Mormon who is only a few weeks - squee! - from welcoming her first child with her awesome hubby!) and I'd like to think that that's the kind of world we need to have, one where people can agree to disagree (but maybe also agree that disagreement doesn't mean denying basic human rights from anybody).

That being said, I also know that there are, sadly, a rather large group of people in general who are out to ensure that the rest of the known world - our country especially - adheres specifically to their own religious beliefs and interpretations of their scriptures. They aren't at all gentle or politely suggestive; they don't offer information but instead end up not only openly allowing but encouraging and enforcing policies like those at schools in a district in Minnesota that ended in the eventual suicides of nearly ten openly LGBT and supposedly "straight" students in one year because school policies kept teachers from addressing the bullying they experienced by name.

And to that sort of thing, I say, what the fuck? I don't often and openly curse, especially when I have two kids who now happily and contently repeat everything I say (and one of whom is old enough to scold me on my language and send me to time out), but really now. I'll let you read the (admittedly rather long) article yourself, but to TL;DR the whole thing, religious conservatives in the district pressured school board members to enact policies that specifically stated that teachers and other employees were not to mention or bring attention to LGBT issues, and that ended with teachers being afraid to address bullying in their classrooms and halls. It ended with kids getting called horrible names and even being physically abused by their classmates, and allowed multiple teachers to even emotionally and verbally abuse their most vulnerable students because nobody was allowed to bring up the abuse. It ended in multiple suicides because there were a lot of (sorry) really pig-headed Christians who decided that talking about homosexuality would encourage supposedly straight students to "try it out", and that it would end with an epidemic of AIDS and homosexuality.

Without rereading the article in full and counting every single death, I want to say that seven kids died in that school district.

Seven.

I'll let that sink in for a while as I head back to my original point.

Anyway, I'd rather my children grow up surrounded by the sort of tolerance I want them to express to others, and only see the other type from the "right" side - to understand that being hateful is ugly, and that intolerance is a form of bullying. It's something I hope they never personally experience, but I know that they will eventually - maybe because one or both of them are gay, or bisexual, or transsexual, or "too skinny" or "too fat" or not smart enough, or because either one decides to wear "girly clothes" or keep their hair long or end up with glasses. I know from personal experience that children raised in an environment where there is bullying in the home or where it is encouraged through a complete lack of tolerance on the behalf of the parents. Until that day comes, though, I'd rather show them what I want them to see, and live the way I'd like to see them try to live, so that when the day comes when unfortunately someone does choose to bully them or show a complete lack of tolerance for something one of my children says or does, I want my kids to see it as what it is - blatant discrimination and bullying - and understand why it's happening and how to deal with it.

I want to surround them with people who will love them, and show them what it is to love other people, regardless of sexuality, gender, race, education, income, age, disability, size, or any other factor viewed in a way that doesn't simply make a person unique. So when we found an opportunity to interact with a local SCA group (Society for Creative Anachronism, for those who aren't aware) I was thrilled. The last had recently disbanded and we had a great time with them, even as non-paying members, that I was excited to get my kids involved and let them start to experience the world that I live in in my mind.

We found out about it in an oddly roundabout way; a former participant of another group who also happened to be a "friend of a friend" who was also an SCA member from the former local group found me on Facebook and we struck up a happy little friendship. When we first got to meet him at the first (and only) meeting we went to, I was reaffirmed that the guy in question is pretty damn awesome. He liked us, we liked him, he was easygoing and a lot of fun. We and another girl who was there with her daughter had a pretty good time together, even though the fighters more or less ignored us. We made plans to try to pay at some point for an actual family membership and to come back for as many meetings as time and gas money would allow us to.

Then everything exploded.

Some general stupidity ensued; accusations were thrown around by the guy who started the group (who is a hardcore Christian) and a similarly-minded girl who ended up being the new head honcho, and without warning or discussion by anyone our new friend was ostracized from the group (specifically, he was "voted out"). Once information was eventually offered, he was given the runaround, told that "some parents" complained about how he acted at some random point around children in the group, but he wasn't told when the complaint happened - so of course when he asked the only other parents who were present the night we were there as well if they complained, we all answered no. We hadn't. None of us had. The truth is that we all acted as we normally do around our kids, which is to say that we all sort of act like big goofballs.

It turns out that, after a lot of prodding, the incident in question was unrelated to our kids or anything that we had even been there to witness. It was something that, in the end, had absolutely nothing to do with him acting inappropriately toward a child of any kind, but instead had everything to do, more or less, with the fact that he isn't Christian.

The group "leaders" are.

And I'm not sure how to react to their perceived intolerance because he may "act gay", so this has taken me a couple of days to write. It makes me angry. It makes me want to roll my eyes and try to explain to our kids (who are WAY too young to care or understand) that when people act this way, it's unacceptable. They won't get it, but I want to try to make them get it anyway. This has nothing to do with the SCA itself, and everything to do with the unfortunate mindsets of the people in our area. This is not representative of the SCA (in fact, the response from the higher ups he has spoken to has generally been that they have no right to tell him he can't be part of a local group, and that's something that needs to be decided on a larger, "kingdom" level). This is representative of stupidity, of fear, of intolerance and a lack of understanding and education.

This is what happens when you hate, folks.

People get hurt. Luckily, our new friend isn't too personally concerned about the situation beyond the personal attacks on his character. He knows they're being douches. Everybody else seems to know they're being douches. Hubby and I immediately left the Facebook group that had been created and don't plan on attending again. We don't want our kids around people like this, and frankly, I'm not a nice enough person to be able or willing to force myself to be around people like this.

So there you go. What the hell.

On Going At It Again

I've been putting off posting for a while because of some crazy personal life stuff, but this needs to be said.

Facebook is at it again.

I don't mean that in a "oh, that crazy Facebook" way where we all shake our heads and have a hearty laugh and then go back to our daily lives. I mean that for over a year now they have been consistently deleting photos from the profiles of women who have posted pictures of themselves or ANYBODY ELSE breastfeeding, and on top of that they have subsequently been locking and blocking profiles associated with those pictures left and right. There are probably a hundred if not more groups on Facebook demanding that so-and-so's profile be unblocked or group be reinstated; there are easily a thousand or more pressuring Facebook to follow the laws of the state in which their main office (and thus they) are located, which happens to be California. You see, the law of California protects the rights of the breastfeeding woman. Want a copy of their laws? Find it here. California has been protecting the rights of breastfeeding mothers since 1997, when its first law ensuring a woman could breastfeed wherever she needs to was passed and put into force.

The problem?

The California law specifically states, and I quote, "except the private home or residence of another". That is a huge fucking loophole that, if you ask me, is probably how Facebook is continuing to allow people to report (and thus subsequently remove) pictures posted on profiles of women breastfeeding. It's what we in the not-really-legal profession call "a huge fucking loophole" because one would assume that if someone sees a picture of breastfeeding that they don't want to see, they're probably seeing it in their house, and thus they've every right (through the state of California) to report that picture and even that profile or group to avoid seeing it again - even if it belongs to someone that tends to post pictures like that, or join groups that contain numerous similar pictures or posts, and even if the reporting individual is fairly sure that this will continue. To make matters worse, because of Facebook's new timeline feature and subscription options that automatically leave everyone seeing what everybody else says without people going through their list and turning off subscriptions for every person on there by hand, people indeed are inadvertently seeing comments, posts, pictures, and group activity that other people on their friends list may not care about or want to see - and if they can't see the whole post and click on it, they're likely to be subjected to something that shouldn't concern them.

What does this mean?

It means a couple of things. First of all, it means that 1) via California's breastfeeding protection laws, Facebook may actually be doing something painfully legal, even though the pictures are being hosted elsewhere and the homes in which said pictures are being viewed could be located absolutely anywhere. 2) It means that even if Facebook is still in the wrong simply because of the other logistics (and they are), this is a very real loophole that needs to be closed ASAP by the California legislature with a "no loophole" clause that insists that pictures posted from California or viewed in California households are not subjected to the "except the private home or residence of another" stipulation. (And if they don't close this loophole, there's the very real possibility that Facebook can and will continue abusing their own policies.)

The amusing thing is that Facebook has no algorithm in place to detect which pictures may show more potential nudity than others; if so, (WARNING: NUDITY) pages like this and profile pictures like this and this and this whole fucking page wouldn't exist. (Which reminds me of this page, and this one too.) There are thousands, MILLIONS more, not including the profiles of men and women alike who post way more inappropriate pictures that show far more nudity than the average picture of a woman breastfeeding her child. There are pages, apps, groups and profiles completely dedicated to the dehumanization of women, to the sexualization of children, and to nearly every single illegal act you can think of. There are more of these than there are pages, groups, profiles, and even pictures that support the beautiful bond between a woman and her children, that show the benefits of breastfeeding for mother and child. Facebook is a misogynist's dream, mostly because there are very few things that we women are capable of that a man typically isn't, and one of those things is breastfeeding.

Which Facebook wants to shutter back behind closed doors. Again.

There have of course been ups and downs. Facebook briefly apologized for "wrongly" removing a picture on a woman's profile in America, but soon opened itself up to Canadian criticism when not more than a couple of weeks later they were shutting down numerous groups and profiles and removing pictures from pages and groups owned and moderated by individuals located in Canada. One woman even made the news and was interviewed extensively about what she has experienced. There's an official page on Facebook supporting Emma Kwasnica and her breastfeeding pictures, which I am a part of.

So what on earth can or should we do about this?

Well, first of all, go sign this petition to the California state legislature (that I wrote, go me!) asking them to change a loophole in their breastfeeding protection laws that may be enabling Facebook to continue removing pictures at their discretion under the guise of being pornographic or containing "sexual nudity". Once you've done that, go grab the Open Letter to Facebook that I wrote last year and find every single form you can fill out to the Facebook administrators, then send it off. You may edit that letter however you please and you do not need to attribute it to me when you send it, but I would ask that you please link back to that post or this one if you mention it online. Then, if you're really feeling up to some good, flood your profile with pictures of breastfeeding women - I really love seeing them remove pictures of the Virgin Mary breastfeeding Jesus, that always gets me somehow (and I don't mean that in an angry way, I mean that it really goes to show how terrified of breastfeeding they are) - and wait to see the fireworks.

Then, go have a boob-filled day.

On Frustration

Over two weeks into the new month - and only a couple away from an entirely new year - and I have only two posts to boast (one of which is this one). It's a pretty downright sad way of going, and I know it. But depression and current events are pretty rough on us, and have kept my mind in a billion and two other places.

I have posts, mind you - half finished drafts hanging out in my folders, mocking me from afar. They have that little italicized word - draft - pasted on there so proudly, as if they're all pointing their curvy little fingers at me and giggling wildly about the woman who couldn't finish anything she started. About the woman who was a failure to herself, her kids, and her family. The woman who yelled at her kids behind the scenes while outwardly trying to impress upon others the idea of peaceful, gentle parenting. The woman who couldn't keep a house clean for five people, who couldn't balance a budget or find a job fast enough that could provide for all of them. The woman who, secretly, deep down, didn't want to go back to work again because despite her frustrations and depression and short temper, absolutely loved spending time with her kids and watching them grow.

I'm probably being over dramatic when I say that I feel as if everything's falling apart around me more often than not, but that's the feeling I typically have. It's a sensation that sometimes makes me feel like I can't do anything right, something that keeps me up some nights and drives me to the point of exhaustion where I fall asleep the second my head hits the pillow on other nights. It's an endless cycle of confusion that involves insomnia and oversleeping, and massive headaches that make me want to claw off my own face. Some of it is stress, some of it is attitude, and the rest of it is general bad energy that surrounds this house 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It's incredibly overwhelming and anymore it leaves me living life in the moment, but not in a good way. I keep muddling my way through each day, knowing that if I can just make it through today that tomorrow might by some miracle be a little bit better. It rarely is, but luckily the days pass fast enough that I end up feeling completely unable to accomplish anything, so that feeling of dread and the sensation that I never finish anything gets to come with me to the next day and hover over my shoulder all over again.

Naturally, of course, food has been my personal savior during this trying time. The arrival of winter - at least via the first snowfall and the plummeting temperatures - probably really set me back, because the sensation of desperately needing to hibernate has left me with highly fatty cravings and the need to eat as many carbs as I can stomach. I've done fairly well most days of resisting the temptation, but I'm not perfect and I've slipped up about as many times as I've behaved. I'd like to think that semblance of neutrality has somehow afforded me at least the ability to not GAIN weight, even if I'm not losing it now, but I know how my metabolism works and unfortunately for me, any small setback usually comes back to taunt me later on. I've been trying to make better dietary decisions, but this is probably the worst time of year (followed shortly by Halloween and Valentine's Day) for trying to avoid overdosing on sweets, dyes, and unnecessary goodies.

Ah, well. We all survive it somehow.

On Regrets

Have you ever been on YouTube, watching shows or clips or whatever, and you end up somewhere that confuses you? I do rather often; I'll start off on a favorite music video or something and end up watching someone lance an abscess on a cow. A rather far-fetched example, but it has happened, and in a way to me it reminds me of the seven steps to Kevin Bacon - one way or another if you're online you'll end up someplace weird if you hang out long enough.

The other day I ended up watching videos of happy couples announcing their pregnancies to family members, who more often than not ended the piece jumping for joy, screaming, and generally being super-excited. After a few, I was in tears. It was hard to watch those things, because while I felt an intense sense of appreciation for the situation, I was honestly really, really jealous. Watching their families be so, so happy for them made me long for the same reaction, and unfortunately, it's something that will never happen.

When we found out we were pregnant, regardless of the time in question, we weren't in a good place. With G we were living with six other people in a three bedroom, two bathroom house that was a bedroom short and had a dysfunctional couple sleeping on the living room floor. I was unemployed and Hubby was barely making minimum wage, working part-time at a grocery store. We had no health insurance, no savings, no place of our own and absolutely nothing to show for ourselves - in fact, we were both still in college. With A, we were in a small, leaking one bedroom apartment that we soon found out was to be torn down. We weren't much better off financially; we were both working part-time and I had to leave my job sooner than anticipated because of problems with the nerves in my right leg. Naturally, neither of our jobs offered any benefits and we were on every form of assistance we could qualify for. They weren't good situations in the least.

My mother was probably the least supportive. G was her first grandchild and A her second (fitting, as I'm her only child), but there was no celebration to be had for us. She portrayed herself as a betrayed woman whose child had let her down, and it's a feeling she's put me through more than once - something I won't forget. For Hubby's parents, G was their fourth biological grandchild, and while they were happy, they understandably weren't overjoyed (never mind the fact that we're some 1600 miles away). The fact of the matter remains that no matter what situation we're in, no matter where we live or how we're doing, no matter what we say or do, the kinds of reactions in those videos aren't something we'll ever experience.

I should be happy, by all means, that at least I have a mother to share these things with even if she isn't necessarily happy, and in laws who are supportive and helpful. I should be thankful for a lot of things but sometimes it's hard to remember that, and instead I end up observing the good fortunes of other people in areas where I can't possibly affect my life, and wonder where I went wrong.

It's nothing against anybody, when it comes right down to it; I can't possibly expect people to react to something like that in ways they aren't apt to. I can't force anybody to be more emotional about a situation or a comment or whatnot than they're going to be naturally. It is what it is.

But sometimes that's hard to remember.

Meanwhile, A has started diving into his sleep problems again. Today he woke up at 1:30 AM; I coerced him into staying in bed until about 2 AM but he was being so noisy and violent toward me (lots of scratching and yelling) that I wasn't really willing to stay in bed with him. I didn't want him to wake up G and Hubby. So out we came to the living room, and he has since dumped out two boxes of blocks, nearly woken up Hubby and G again, demanded chocolate milk, and generally tried to suck up to me. It's now nearly 4 AM. He went to bed around 9 PM, when I also passed out, so he's functioning on about 4 1/2 hours of sleep and still managing to be rather chipper. Unlike him, I'm actually in a pretty grouchy mood right now.

I can't explain his sleep disturbances. They aren't night terrors or even nightmares, as there's no waking up screaming - he just wakes up out of a dead sleep and is incredibly violent toward me until I give in. He tends to claw my face and arms, and today he actually drew blood for the first time. Usually the only other time I see this kind of reaction is right before naptime, when we're laying in bed and I'm trying to get him to actually calm down and get ready for sleep, at which point the scratching starts again. I began changing my reaction, and have been trying NOT to react to his scratching, with the positive effect being that he scratches me less and doesn't fight as long every time. He doesn't scratch Hubby at all. I don't understand why, although I can't complain; obviously I'd rather he not scratch anybody, but if he's going to scratch someone I think it's better that it's me. All the same, it's still 4 AM, I've still been up for 2 1/2 hours, and that is honestly long enough in my book.

On Regretsy and PayPal

UPDATE: PayPal made nice with Regretsy and not only refunded all of the donation money, but also made a $100 donation themselves to each and every family Regretsy was helping. Unfortunately it took a LOT of media attention, a lot of lost users, and some pretty serious ragging on PayPal to get them to acquiesce.

I don't often post about social justice and such; I've done so a couple of times in the past but unless it involves natural parenting or attachment parenting, I try to avoid making mention of mainstream things and news. It doesn't seem worth it to me; you can turn on a TV or head to one of the many news sites and find out everything you need to know. But today I am changing that for something that, to me, is a VERY big deal.

Maybe you haven't heard, but PayPal just fucked Regretsy pretty hard.

No, really, go read that and come back here, then think on it for a bit.

To summarize: April Winchell, the Queen of Awesome over at Regretsy, and her team have set up a donation system every year during the winter holidays to help out the less fortunate. This year, their goal was to help out low income children, and so they accepted donations via the "Donate" button on PayPal. They ended up getting enough money to not only buy a gift for EVERY SINGLE ONE of over 200 children, but to also send a monetary donation along with said gift for every family to use however they pleased. They used a pretty intensive vetting process, took applications, and generally ensured that the people they were helping genuinely needed their help.

Then PayPal stepped in and said this was against their ToS, and shut down the donations (and froze the account, which also contained unrelated funds).

(In case you aren't aware, there are a LOT of "shady" things you can donate to via PayPal; just last year you could donate to a woman who had a shopping addiction and of course those donations helped her buy more useless shit, and there's also a site where you can donate to a woman to help her get a breast augmentation. Among others.)

They claimed that Regretsy wasn't a legitimate non-profit charity (because the lady who needs bigger boobs obviously is), and therefore had no right to use the donate button. So Ms. Winchell decided that since she had already actually purchased all the toys she was going to give away anyway, that she would offer them up for "sale" on the site, consider the money a donation, and then ship the toys to the intended families anyway. An ingenious idea, if I do say so myself; kids would still get gifts, families would still get the money they'd been promised, and Regretsy would have completed another year of making life a little brighter for those in need.

Guess what?

PAYPAL SHUT THAT DOWN TOO.

They basically ripped Winchell a new one, and while on the phone with a representative, "When I asked how to close my account, he said I had to 'refund everything, write a letter saying you understood what you did WAS WRONG AND YOU WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN, and then request permission to close your account.'" (Via Regretsy, emphasis their's)

The best part? THEY'VE KEPT EVERY FEE INCURRED AND WILL NOT RETURN A DIME OF THOSE FEES.

The problem is that this isn't the first time PayPal has screwed over businesses that were accepting donations for legitimate reasons. There's a list here of just a few of the times they knowingly took over something that they had no business taking over. It's eye-opening, to say the least.

So what can YOU do to help Regretsy out?

First, if you're able, close your PayPal account. There are a number of (admittedly less well known and thus less often accepted) options to pay online, with a huge list (complete with reviews) available for different countries from Screw PayPal, and a list from WebDistortions that has 17 different suggestions.

Second, go flood PayPal's Facebook page with information on what you're doing, and let them know that you're aware of what they've been up to and you don't approve (but make sure you click the option to see everyone's posts, and not just PayPal's; also keep in mind that you don't need to "like" them to post on their wall).

Third, go sign this petition, created by one Kevin Malone of Chicago, IL to tell PayPal to get their heads out of their asses and stop freezing the accounts of any large group that asks for donations without having a non-profit status.

Fourth, contact PayPal's president (Scott Thompson). Keep it short and to the point, and most of all, keep it polite. (EDIT: I have been informed that the emails I provided earlier for several other individuals at PayPal came back as undelivered. With that in mind, here are a couple of phone numbers to use! In the US, call 1-888-221-1161. Outside the US, call 1-402-935-2050 but be aware that fees may apply. I will post accurate emails as soon as I have them.)

If you're still with me, fifth, contact MSN/The Today Show, CNN, and as many local news networks as you can to let them know what PayPal is doing and what they've been up to while we've been casually looking away. Then, contact your local state representatives and Congresspeople to ask them to start pushing for regulations for companies like PayPal, and to force them to keep their hands off of other people's money as long as it's being used for legal purposes. Their ToS doesn't state that only IRS registered 501(c)(3) charities can use the Donate button, so how Regretsy (or any other organization or individual) chooses to use it is irrelevant.

The only way to stop PayPal from continuing to be as destructive as it is is to call them out and show them that we're paying attention. If you get a response from PayPal, PLEASE share it here!

On Baring It All

I try to very rarely bring up our family's problems. I had a blog several years ago that I used for that purpose, and while it was admittedly cathartic, at the same time I realized that I didn't share anything I was particularly proud of. I shared a lot of good times, but I also shared innumerable personal failures that were nobody's fault but my own. I bared my soul to a very small number of readers, and in late 2009 shortly after A was born, I made the conscious decision to abandon "Believe In The Flowers" to move on to something that felt more realistic, more like me, and less like a dumping grounds for whatever personal struggles we faced. I last posted there on December 17, 2009.

Of course, things have fluctuated since then. We have had our share of good times and bad in the last two years, with the latter often outnumbering the former simply due to a new financial crisis every other week. I have on occasion shared what we've been going through, but have tried fairly hard to avoid sharing too much, or going into excessive detail.

The one thing I haven't spoken about at all is my mother's health.

My mom is 53, and a product of eras where rampant smoking and drug usage were not only expected but encouraged. She told me once that in the 70s she did so many drugs that she wasn't even sure how many she did or when - no doubt, in my opinion, a way to lash out at her uber-conservative parents who favored her more successful older brother over her, and who ruled their house with an iron fist at all times. She was the kind of person I honestly thought, for a while, that I would become. Not out of choice, mind you, but out of necessity, to deal with everything that caused me such trauma and agony in high school.

Now, she's paying for all of that (and for her lifelong weight problems, which I have inherited) with a host of health issues that keep her in pain and struggling most of the time. In the fall of 2007, she had her left knee replaced at the age of 50, during which time I moved in with her with six month old G to help care for her and take care of her house and dogs while she was recovering for weeks on end. Her right knee needs to be done also, but she just finished paying off her left, so I'm not entirely sure when this will occur. She has plentiful back problems, though I'm not sure if they stem from old injuries or her osteoarthritis, which plagues the rest of her joints. Repetitive motion at work has given her tennis elbow and carpal tunnel, which both affect both arms. Her blood pressure is horribly high, her blood sugar puts her just above borderline as a diabetic, and her weight has caused problems in the remainder of her body, including some pretty serious varicose veins in her legs that often ache without provocation. Her eyes haven't been checked in years, she needs to visit a dentist but is afraid of them, and to top it all off, she has struggled since childhood with asthma, which has coupled with the rest of her problems to give her a positive diagnosis for the dreaded COPD, and leaves her using an inhaler almost daily and a nebulizer at least once a week, if not more often, in addition to an enlarged heart that they also think is related to her asthma.  Top it all off with severe seasonal allergies and at least two mental disorders that I'm aware of that she no longer takes medication or seeks therapy for, and a nasty battle with an MSRA infection in her foot caused by (her podiatrist thinks) an open wound on her foot and her tendency to come into contact with bacteria and viruses in the hospital she works at, and I'm sure you can see how she probably needs much more medical care than she seeks out on a regular basis.

She is also where I got my stubbornness from.

However, recently she has been struggling with even more. Her feet, especially her right, have begun to swell and hurt at night, to the point where she often can almost not stand or walk, and today her blood pressure spiked enough that she actually went in to see the employee health nurse. She didn't divulge much about the visit, but she mentioned that they aren't sure it's "just" GERD (which was originally suggested given her pre-diabetic state and the swelling in her feet), that it could be more and could be related to her blood pressure, and that she will be having more blood tests done tomorrow. I should note, at this point, that my grandfather (her father) died in his late 70s from lung cancer and my grandmother (her mother) passed away at just 65 years old from a heart attack she had in the same bedroom my mother now calls her own. Our family doesn't have a history of excessively long life, much less of pleasant ways of passing. So of course, you can probably imagine that I am freaking out.

I don't often ask for prayers, but I am doing so now, and am requesting that if you have a prayer circle, or any process or ritual in which you ask for a deity to watch over someone, that you ask them to watch over my mother. I fear the worst for her, and have in truth been trying to no avail to prepare myself for something awful, just in case. Of course, the potential severe illness and/or death of someone you love - much less the only parent you have ever known - is something that you cannot possibly prepare yourself for when you don't know what's going on and lack the amount of information that I do. I still ask, however, that you at least consider keeping her and us in your thoughts as we continue to traverse this slippery medical slope and investigate the underlying causes of her debilitating problems.

Thank you.