On Loss

Some time ago, maybe a year or so, my mother in law - a woman I admire and adore - was diagnosed with cancer. A long-time diabetic, she'd already struggled with health problems before this ugly creature reared its head. She began treatment, with the caveat that it was maintenance only, but over the summer things began to go downhill far faster. She developed an abscess on her abdomen that could not heal if she continued chemo, and on top of that her doctors revealed that chemo didn't seem to be helping anyway. It was decided that she would stop treatment, and quite suddenly a regimen that had appeared to be giving her what could have been years that she otherwise might not have had was failing her miserably. She was given days, maybe a couple of weeks, and discharged on that dismal note on hospice.

She, of course, wasn't really on board with that idea. My father in law, a legal grower in their home state, researched cannabis treatments and began to provide what he could for her where traditional medicine had given up. Sure enough, though it took far longer than it would have for a healthy person, the abscess began to improve. She slept a lot and didn't heal much, but those days she was given became weeks, which became months. A woman sent home to die in a wheelchair moved to a walker, then began getting out again - and it seemed that perhaps she wasn't about to let what was unarguably a terrible situation get her down.

Unfortunately over the holidays she became ill. Common things that would get any of us down for a few days were a disaster for her, and now there seems to be no question of the inevitable. We are merely trying to determine how long, now, instead of trying to determine what's next. There is no what's next. That question is obvious. And it's heartbreaking.

We were lucky enough over the summer to be able to go visit them. Our stay wasn't long enough - though, how long would have been long enough? - but it gave the boys a chance to see a place they'd never been before, to see the place that Daddy grew up, and to spend quality time with family that they had last seen when they were too young to form memories. We took pictures, saw sights, they went on a train and airplanes and went fishing for the first time. They got to experience so many things - but most of all, they got to spend time with Grandma. They understood the pretense, that we needed to be there because she was sick, but the urgency of the whole thing was understandably lost on them.

Now, I have to come to terms with the fact that those few days in August were likely the last time I will have ever seen her. That every other time my oldest two had seen them, they were too young to make memories - and the last time they got to see her, will have literally been the last time. I think we knew those things, but at the same time, she improved little by little, and we had hope. Hope that she was stronger, maybe, than what was ravaging her. Stronger than such a silly little word like "cancer", just five letters long. Maybe as long in letters as she is in feet tall.

But earlier this month my father in law sent the email, the one none of us wanted to get: she understood, he said. She got it. She realized she wasn't getting better, and there was no "see you next time".

I'm not sure how to process this. I've never lost a parent, and while we always assumed my mother would surely experience some kind of life threatening health crisis first, instead I'm trying to figure out how to guide my husband through losing his mother. She has, for half my life, been a force of comfort and strength, a small but powerful person that I knew I could call and talk to whenever I needed to vent, or needed a willing ear that would listen to me. And she did, every time, without fail. Now, I have to try to figure out how to help him, and help the kids, understand - why Daddy is so sad, why Mommy is frustrated, why Daddy will (hopefully) be leaving in a week or two to go see them on his own, without the rest of us.

Because I want him to get to say goodbye.

I feel like I didn't get to. I know that the boys didn't, and I have a lot of guilt about that. But I don't think any of us wanted that summer trip to be a goodbye. We all hoped it wasn't. For them it was a unique vacation, a new experience, a fun trip. Thinking of it as a goodbye would have ruined so much of their view of the whole thing, would have filled them with confusion and dread instead of excitement and wonder. I wish she'd felt better, so we could have gone and done more things with her, but at the same time, I don't hold it against her.

I think, as hopeful as we all were, we knew the demon she was fighting was strong. Too strong.

So over the next few days we're going to be watching with bated breath for our tax return to come in, will be writing letters to Grandma and making videos for her. We'll be doing everything we can to "be there" as much as we can be - because at least four of us will have to stay here, and there's a chance that Hubby won't be able to make it up before something happens either. We're going to need to talk to the kids, to each other, and to who knows who else. We'll need to hope that he can get there in time, hope that the boys never forget her like I've forgotten my grandparents. We're going to regret being so far away, regret seeing them so infrequently, regret having so few pictures - and we're going to have to try to find ways to make up for that regret. To come to terms with it, accept it, and move on. We're going to have to accept how this may or may not affect my father in law, how he may react, what this might do to him emotionally. I have to learn very quickly how to help support and guide my husband through grief and all its stages, however long each may take, and how to come to terms with those stages myself. I need to figure out how to help our kids through these.

Most of all, I have to hope his mom doesn't forget that I absolutely adore her, and that I'm going to miss her like crazy.

On Offending With Breastfeeding

This is going to be a potentially tough one to stomach, so if you're having a rough day, or if you're still facing emotional baggage regarding a decision to not breastfeed, or to stop doing so, this might be a post that's better put off until another day. I've been in that place, and I know that it's hard to accept choices or necessities sometimes without taking a step back, so please know if you skip this one because of what's going on in your world right now, I won't hold it against you.

But if you're all good right now, and ready to potentially be offended for no reason.. Read on.

I'm gonna post a few statements below. Some are opinions, some are borderline opinion/fact (badly worded facts, perhaps, or gross generalizations), and some are scientifically-backed facts. See if you can discern which is which:

Breastfeeding is disgusting.
Generally speaking, breastmilk is a more nutritionally and immunologically sound source of food for an infant.
It's wrong to breastfeed past six months/one year/etc.
Breastfed babies are smarter.
Formula feeding leads to obesity later in life.
Many moms who believe they have supply issues and turn to formula have been misled and may truly not have a problem at all.
All women can breastfeed.
Not all doctors, nurses, and even pharmacists truly know whether or not it's safe to breastfeed while taking certain medications or during/after certain procedures and may inadvertently lead a woman to wean prematurely, or pump and dump when it isn't necessary.
It's abusive if you drink alcohol while breastfeeding and don't pump and dump.
Formula feeding moms just didn't try hard enough.
Lip/tongue ties aren't real.

That's a pretty long list of random comments, so let's break them up into our three categories and see how you did.

Opinions:
Breastfeeding is disgusting.
It's wrong to breastfeed past six months/one year/etc.
All women can breastfeed. (Did you think this one was a gross generalization? I'll explain in a bit why I'm putting it under the "opinions" category.)
It's abusive if you drink alcohol while breastfeeding and don't pump and dump.
Formula feeding moms just didn't try hard enough.
Lip/tongue ties aren't real.

Gross generalizations:
Breastfed babies are smarter.
Formula feeding leads to obesity later in life.

Facts:
Generally speaking, breastmilk is a more nutritionally and immunologically sound source of food for an infant.
Many moms who believe they have supply issues and turn to formula have been misled and may truly not have a problem at all.
Not all doctors, nurses, and even pharmacists truly know whether or not it's safe to breastfeed while taking certain medications or during/after certain procedures and may inadvertently lead a woman to wean prematurely, or pump and dump when it isn't necessary.

Now, take a look at all of those. Did the opinions piss you off a little? I'm sure at least a couple of them made you roll your eyes for whatever reason. Did the gross generalizations make you uncomfortable? That's a reasonable reaction, too. Did the facts make you nod, or make you grit your teeth? Now, depending on your reaction there, THAT is the issue we need to address: people getting upset, or taking personal offense, when facts are presented.

If you're one of the people who were able to go through the list and have a reasonable/appropriate reaction to all of those statements, then this post probably isn't directed at you (although it may help you better understand the reactions of those who fall under other categories). If the facts offended you and the generalizations made you want to slap someone, I'd suggest continuing to read: you're exactly the person I'm looking to talk to.

Here's the deal. As a country we're striving toward a more politically correct climate, one where people feel as though their choices and needs are respected and they as people are understood and acknowledged. But in some areas we've moved right past that point and have managed to run into this wall where any presentation of facts is not necessarily an attempt to educate and inform, but a mass assault against a person's integrity and parenting abilities. Sharing an article (no matter how it's worded, or how many research-backed papers it references) on how many women end up "booby trapped" and often end their breastfeeding relationships unnecessarily, or are placed in a bad situation where their ability to breastfeed, or confidence in their body's natural state of being able to breastfeed, has become downright offensive. Large pages, even those self-professed to specifically cater toward breastfeeding education and normalization, face backlash from parents, friends, and family members who seem intent on silencing any information that doesn't fit the "accept all choices without regard for facts" mindset that they function in. To a degree, of course, I can see why they struggle so hard to reset their brains on these concepts; I had a hard time too. My firstborn was exclusively breastfed for only four days before a readmittance to the hospital for severe jaundice led the doctor attending him to accuse me of starving him because I could not produce any milk when pumping (which led to an immediate order to move him to formula), and my second was doing well until about four or six weeks after he was born I developed awful mastitis, and a combination of that, stress, and severe dehydration led me back to the expensive but familiar world of formula out of desperation and a feeling of failure. I have been in their shoes, reading articles about breastfeeding or seeing people discuss it and feeling incredibly guilty. I have doubted my body, been shamed by strangers, been told I was somehow dysfunctional by medical professionals who made me think that my body was for some reason unable to perform this one biological imperative. Thinking about, talking about, looking at breastfeeding made me feel guilty. Even after I got over the initial guilt of using formula each time, there were always comments about searching out donor milk that made me feel terrible all over again - diatribes about how supposedly easy it was to access, and a million other things, even though in my area I have found that using donor milk either requires extreme luck and timing or an ability and willingness to make a HUGE monetary commitment to it, far beyond that of what formula requires. (Yes, believe it or not, sometimes finding a willing donor is not only not easy, but nearly impossible in some areas, and not every mother or family are able and willing to provide for the necessities and sometimes monetary compensation that a donor mom may require or request.) I struggled again with #3 when it was thought I would need to return to work at about four weeks, without a built up supply to speak of though I'd tried my best to pump, and couldn't find a single willing donor after days of searching, begging, and posting on pages and forums.

So I've been in those shoes. And I know that when you're still working through feelings of inadequacy, especially those you bring on yourself or those pushed by a doctor or nurse who you assume is an aware and educated person, it's incredibly difficult to see something about a still-tender topic and stay level headed. It's often just as bad, sometimes worse, to know that the move to formula wasn't a choice but a medical necessity, made because of specific medications or treatments, or because of previous trauma or surgery that makes a person unable emotionally or physically to breastfeed. It's worse thinking that maybe if you'd just looked harder for donor milk, or had known it was an option, or if you'd just tried harder... And then to have those same words spit back at you by moms who had no issue breastfeeding, or who want to compare their struggles to your's? It's an extra slap in the face to many who've already slapped themselves plenty.

The problem is that when you've struggled, or made tough decisions, or feel very firmly a certain way, and you react that way to opinions or even badly stated generalizations in an emotionally-driven way, it makes sense. Opinions are just that, and a person's ability to state them doesn't make them true or right, it just means they're able to type, or open their mouth, whether or not it's welcome or an appropriate place to share. When another's opinion ends up pushing the question of your parenting abilities or your ability to make a conscious, educated choice - well, get angry. I would too. I have in the past and still will in the future. That's a rational reaction.

But when a person is given a fact - or even a gross generalization that has some merit but was badly stated or pushed to be far too general - and they become angry and defensive, that isn't rational. It might make sense to correct a generalization, but flat out accusing someone of harassment, of abusive behavior, of purposefully being personally offensive, makes no sense. Facts need to stop being considered something that can hurt us. I understand they might be hard to stomach sometimes depending upon mindset, but wouldn't it do more good to look as objectively at something as possible, take a step back, then ask yourself whether or not your first emotional response is appropriate?

Consider: A mom (or single dad, or parent unable to breastfeed for whatever reason) uses formula. They come across an article on Facebook discussing how formula, while nutritionally adequate, doesn't provide the same immune benefits or additional nutrients that breastmilk does. The rational response to that information is to understand that this fact (because it IS a fact) is not meant to offend or upset, but to spread education and information. Or, a formula feeding parent who had to stop for reasons involving medications or treatment comes across a shared status talking about how many health professionals may not have access to the same information, or may not have had the same previous experience with certain medications and procedures, and thus may erroneously indicate that an infant should no longer be breastfed or that a woman should pump and dump. The rational response is for that parent to acknowledge that they are doing the absolute best they can given their information and situation, that they are still providing for their infant, and perhaps consider further investigating their personal situation (or, if they feel confident in what's been presented to them, continue to know that they were provided good information). Regardless of their emotional state, or any feelings they may still inwardly have toward their situation, it is still their responsibility to recognize that a fact should not be an offensive thing and that its presentation to the public is not an inherent attempt to undermine their choices or needs.

Think this is a little long? Well, I'm almost done, and I apologize that this sort of thing can't really be expressed with any brevity. I have two more quick points to make, though.

First, there ARE assholes out there. They're the ones who quite frankly don't care who you are, what your story is, where you are or what you can or can't afford. They don't care what treatments you're undergoing, whether or not donor milk is available, what medications you're on, or whether or not you're a survivor of sexual abuse or trauma. They have no concern for any reason you might give, no matter how honest and legitimate it is, as to why you aren't breastfeeding (or at least using donor milk). They set out to shame, to bully, and to vilify knowing that in reality they won't really face any consequences (as these sorts often exist on the Internet exclusively). I don't want anyone to think that I'm ignoring the presence of these jerks, who are quite separate from the concept of "lactivists" (that is, breastfeeding education and normalization activists). They give lactivists a bad name, they seek only to cause injury, and somehow they walk away from shaming sessions with a smile on their face as if they truly think they've done something beneficial and made a change. In reality, nearly every lactivist dislikes and will openly and willingly discredit and distance these types of people, because trust me when I say that we all know they do nothing more than push away those otherwise willing to learn, to spread information, and who might have otherwise been made aware that they had done the best they could with what they had and that they are not bad parents, only potentially misinformed or uninformed. These asses exist. We don't like them. We wish they'd shut their mouths if they've nothing nice to say.

Second, I promised I'd address my decision to include the statement of "All women can breastfeed" as an opinion instead of a generalization. It's a very fine line between the two when it comes to this one, as TECHNICALLY it could be categorized as a generalization as much as the two I listed under that category. Indeed, research exists and numerous doctors agree that there is likely a correlation between feeding formula and obesity later in life (although this may be simply correlation and not necessarily causation, and requires further research), and there is likely correlation too between an increased intelligence (which is difficult to measure in all aspects as it is) and feeding breastmilk. However, I feel that while these things can be considered "relatively true statements", or gross generalizations (they are statements that should be further expanded upon if they are to be made at all, or avoided if one only wants to state them as is without offering up further research), the idea that "all women" are capable of breastfeeding has become much more of a questionable statement. While medically impressive, and of course welcome, there are a number of procedures and medications that can keep a person alive while drastically reducing either their milk production or completely negating the safety of breastfeeding to begin with, and for many there are no alternate options that may make breastfeeding a choice again. There are, too, more women experiencing sexual assault and trauma that makes breastfeeding difficult or impossible, at least not without serious amounts of additional therapy and psychiatric help that a mother may not want, or may not be able to afford. Her ability to access that therapy may be negated by financial situations, her current mental ability to process her emotional link between her trauma and breastfeeding, and by the distance she lives from a therapist able to take her on as a patient and competently able to help her overcome the issue - assuming, of course, that she's able to do so in the first place. It's ignorant to assume any amount of therapy can help any single given woman undo what could be years of sexual abuse or other trauma that has left her with a painful connection between the act of breastfeeding and what she's endured - and while it's nice to think that ideally every woman could and would be able to find a provider she feels comfortable with who is experienced enough in helping to unwind that connection, it's a rather utopian dream that we may never see come true. Too, a woman's ability to stay on top of breastfeeding related problems and easily overcome any obstacles that might otherwise prevent her from doing so in the first place, or might make her stop early, depend completely upon how comfortable she is with the concept, seeking help if needed, and whether or not she has the type of support easily accessible to her that she happens to need. A woman who needs a pediatrician or pediatric dentist who understands how to diagnose and release all forms of lip and tongue ties but doesn't know that could be a problem, or who has an unsupportive pediatrician who perhaps believes ties don't exist or that her child cannot possibly have one, cannot be blamed for what may be an inability to find another provider, or for not realizing that there's a problem if her trusted provider says there can't be. Thus, I believe that the phrase "All women can breastfeed" is better categorized as an opinion, rather than a gross generalization, given the massive number of women now falling under one of the above problem categories,

So, there you have it. I realize some of this may have seemed rather asshole-ish, but I promise it comes from a place of understanding and of fear for the suppression of helpful information and education in the face of perceived harassment. It's high time women accept their decisions, their needs, and start separating fact from opinion without deciding that anything that's presented that doesn't fit their personal experience is meant to offend them. Doing so isn't helping normalize breastfeeding - it's doing the exact opposite, and it's pissing me off.